You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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