Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
