I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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