Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
