Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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