stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize