What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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