I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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