At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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