i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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