also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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