i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize