love makes seman taste better
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
