She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
