he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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