That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I have aggressive nipples.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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