The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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