Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
