hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
