Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
we're so committed to being not committed
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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