You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
