I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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