my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
