She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
