I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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