Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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