I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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