so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
A bitchslap is in order.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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