I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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