Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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