Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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