im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
