Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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