Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
