The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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