sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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