I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My room smells like vodka and shame
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
