I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I cockslap morals
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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