mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
