my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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