hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
