Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
