Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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