I feel great
I just peed on a car
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
