Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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