I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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