Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
