Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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