i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
