Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
