I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
