I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize