I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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