She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
