areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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