Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
