Can i not drive my cunt home
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize