my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
