I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
